I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
