Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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