Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
