i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
