and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
All I want is dick and wine.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
