and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
