the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
