Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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