id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
