he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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