i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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