so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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