i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
