I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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