dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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