Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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