life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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