He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
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Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
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Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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