winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
