sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
well you can't waste a boner
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
