I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
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Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
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ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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