brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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