chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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