Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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