Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
