so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
