Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
