last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
honey bunches of taint.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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