Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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