I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
