And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
