She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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