She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
