you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
