I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
