Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
