Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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