Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
