I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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