So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
