i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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