She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
