Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
