i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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