I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
