I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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