You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
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She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
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Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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