just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
sarcasm needs its own font
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
