she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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