Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
