remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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