There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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