And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
