So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
