Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
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