The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
