Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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